I Hope. I wish. I Want

So when I wrote this I was making waffle cones at my dead end job, Basking Robbins.This blog is gonna be about things that have been bothering/ annoying me and little rants on why they've been. So here it goes.

Lets start with my job at Basking Robbins. I don't hate or get annoyed with anyone I work with or even the owners and their son. I mean their son gave me a free bike for doing really nothing at all. It just really annoys me how they hired a new person to take the place of the manager that left. There are people I work with that have been there for around two years. I even should get the manager position, because I have full availability and know how to do everything. They shouldn't have hired this person and gave one of the people already there the hours. I could use the hours. I really need the hours. There's this fucking memo saying, "Due to lack of business, we have to cut everyone's hours." Why the fuck would they hire somebody then? They just bought out the offices behind the store. You would think if you need to cut everyone's hours, you wouldn't hire anyone or buy offices when you already have one. It doesn't make sense to me. The day the owners son said he would give me a bike, he also said he would try to put me salary. I told that would be great! He was gonna see wheat he could do. So that was a little over a month ago and still no salary. It would be really awesome if I got it, because as of right now, I'm staying on my friend couch in his mom's house.

Subject number two, my friends. Ever since I could remember I have been the kid that would let friends come over whenever they wanted. They could do and eat whatever too. That lasted all the way through high school and up until now. I've been the friend that would try to help out friends whenever I could. I've let friends stay with me for as long as they needed, rent free. I would pay for food and the majority of the beer. When I worked at Safeway, I would bring home steaks for a group of my friends and cook them dinner. I would serve their food first before I would serve myself. There were nights that I wouldn't eat because some random friend would come over while I was cooking or a friend would bring their girlfriend. In my mind, I am a good friend. But, when I started doing the things that I wanted or started not paying for things for them, I was being inconsiderate. When I had food stamps, I would pay for all the food in the apartment I was living in and half of the rent and utilities. I did all of this while sleeping on the floor of the living room floor. Some of the food I would buy would go to my roommate's girlfriend. That kinda annoyed me, but I never really said anything because he would just think I was being inconsiderate. When I got kicked out he brought up the fact that my girlfriend would eat food at the apartment. He said she was eating "our" food. I had this thought in the back of my head about all the times his girlfriend came over and ate the food I bought and all the times he would borrow my card and go get food for him and his girlfriend. My girlfriend even bought him food sometimes. In the end, my friends have walked all over me for years. They've gone form stealing around $700 form me to kicking me out on the street to using for rides (when I had my car). They never even gave me gas money.

I don't understand her sometimes. I want to make her dinner. I want to do everything for her. I hate when my girlfriend has to pay for things. I want to be able to buy anything she want. I want to buy her presents at random so I can make her smile. I want to make her happy. I hope someday she'll love me as much as I love her.

Basically the things I've talked about are all thing the I've let happen to me and never did anything to fix them, or at least when I tried if just make things worse.

I'm 21 and don't have a damn thing to show for it. I work at an ice cream shop making $7.50 a hour and getting just over twenty hours a week. I no longer have my drivers license due to my drinking. I drink too much. I let people let people walk over me. I can't handle my money very well. I live on my friend's couch in his mom's house. I'm broke. I was much more successful when I was 18 than I am now. I know I'm not a very good writer and nobody will probably read this. I'm boring and not very smart. I don't go to college. I wish I could be good at something. I have an obsessive personality. I smoke too much. I act like things don't bother me, but there are things that bother me. I just rarely say they do. As I sit here on the bus, going downtown to see the girl I love, there is a blind guy with his seeing eye dog and it makes me sad. His dog, a hundred pound German Sheppard, lifts up one of his paws and puts it on the blind guy's lap. The blind guy puts his head down to the god and whispers. The dog looks up and licks his face, in love. I really want to see my puppy, Brandy. I haven't seen her months. I miss her. I miss my parents. I miss a lot of things. After writing this, I realize that all of this my fault and I'm trying to fix it. I hope. I wish. I want.